Failure

Well, based on my previous post, i suppose anyone reading this blog knows quite well that i'm into this girl. Well, congratz me for another fail attempt to be in a relationship. After 4-5 months of woo-ing and chasing, everything just ended just like that. How am i feeling?? More devastated than previous fail attempt. I did everything and i did my best. I tried to be caring but it was never enough. I tried to be less aggressive than previous one but still fail. What am i doing wrong here i wonder? Has the world begun to be realistic that nowadays girls only see money, good looks and future prospect? if that the case, i think i will be single forever.

Everyday is an emotional day for me but because of work and image, i control myself. Putting on a smiling mask, i faced everyone perfectly fine but inside i am still bleeding. Everyone keep ask me to let go but saying is easy, doing it is damn hard because i know letting this gal will be my biggest regret. I know she is a good girl, but its too bad i meet her at the wrong time. Every morning i wake up and the first image came true my eyes is her reflection. Everything i do reminds me of her. I see coffee i think of her as she likes drinking coffee. I see seaside directly in front of my hostel i see her because that was our 3rd date there. I see a white black cat i think her cos during a 3rd date we said that cat look like a cow. I see a blue black i remember all the times she pinch me on the hand. I even confuse her between my dream and my real life. I really wish to be her side now but i can't. Not i don' want too but i really can't. I hate myself for that.

Now that everything is over, she is beginning to move on but here i am still stuck in the past. I wan to hate her to forget her but i can't cos i know she is good inside. I tried to be angry with her but i cant cos i know she never did anything wrong. So all i can do is hate myself. I want to be with her but i was force to stop. I was force to stop loving her and this kills me. I even smoked because i could not handle the pressure. I know i know, im just a pathetic loser. But i seriously feels she is the right one for me. Maybe i am not the right one for her.

Previously in April when one of my recron bro resign, i decided i would resign too but since i have got feelings for her, i decided to stay back just to be with her. Now everything is no more, i aggressively searching for a new job. I can't stand being in the same office as she is. Everything i look at her or hear her name, my heart go crazy. No one understands me, all of them keep asking me to let go let go let go and for god sake, im trying my best and i can't do it if all of you keep remind me of her. Nowadays every friend got their own life, no more as previously where we can share anything. Now we just have to deal everything by our self. Its hard but i'm sure i can do it. Today i remembered one of my dad discussion with my elder bro. He used to say that some people study till high up the tree but brain still like pig brains. Maybe i am one of them too. I feel so stupid of myself and whatever i am doing right now. Damn......